Trusting the Waves of Life

“What if we trusted that even as life blows burdens down our throat, there is still something leaning us towards love? Something waiting to bestow a moment of magic at our feet. To provide a raft of laughter, a hand of grace, a heart to beat beside our own.”

Over one week ago, I arrived back to Colorado after a month of travel in Asia. Even with bleary eyes and a tired body from twenty hours of travel, I rejoiced in the verdant mountains, the lilacs in bloom and the soft, spring breeze on my skin. 

I set intentions for a week of quiet reflection, integration and self-care. Bubble baths would await me in the evenings. In the mornings, I would meander through my neighborhood, taking in the daffodils and tulips.

 There would be time to write and share about my travels in Japan & Singapore — the ancient Shinto shrines tucked inside cedar forests, the taste of sweet mochi on my tongue, the deepening into love with my partner and all the ways I have grown and healed. 

But within a few days, I was greeted with heartbreak and a rollercoaster of emotions. The specifics I will not share at this time as the process is still unfolding but I very quickly entered a space of grief and overwhelm. I wailed against life with thoughts like, This shouldn't be happening. This isn't fair. This is too much.

 Part of my resistance was rooted in the belief that after years of battling an eating disorder and chronic symptoms, life should now be easy.  That after all of my healing, I deserved a fairytale ending — a destination of bliss and contentment where I am thriving and living my best life. 

Yet even in the midst of this unexpected storm, something kept guiding me back towards trust, towards love, towards rooting my feet into earth's belly.  I was greeted with grace and support, with kindness and small miracles. And I came to realize that what's happening is not wrong. It's just life.

 Life will continue to present us with challenges and hardship. There will be loss, stormy weather and unexpected strife. As poet, Andrea Gibson, says, “waves are part of the design.” It is only our perception that tells us that these waves shouldn't be happening. 

So what if we embraced the waves as part of the design? What if we trusted that even as life blows burdens down our throat, there is still something leaning us towards love? Something waiting to bestow a moment of magic at our feet. To provide a raft of laughter, a hand of grace, a heart to beat beside our own. 

Rather than the fairytale ending, I get to experience something more expansive, more alive and interesting. A life where I experience both gratitude and grief,  where I am both aching and awe-struck by the ancient, mysterious beauty it is to be alive. 

 For each time I meet myself in the mud with an open, courageous heart, I am reminded of the life force of love that lives within us all. I am reminded that even with the storms, even with the waves, I am living my best life.